is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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