found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
