everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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