I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
