I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the day after is always just damage control
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
