so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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