On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.