I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
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do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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I don't deserve a penis
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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