i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
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All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.