Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
