you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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