He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I can't turn off my feet"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
