On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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