did you get engaged???
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.