Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.