May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.