I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.