my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
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Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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