3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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