so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
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you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
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Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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