My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
