With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
