the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
