If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
