walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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