i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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