just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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