HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
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I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
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did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.