Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!