he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker