my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
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I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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