Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
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So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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