you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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