I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
