Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
