I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
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I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
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I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?