Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
there was a trapeze. enough said
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?