True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
