but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
