I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.