yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
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He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
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He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool