we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
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I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.