So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Dignity is for republicans.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.