All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
