Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize