I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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