i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
