I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
