$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
