conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
