dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i out mim tonsoeep
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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