I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
