I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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