Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
