the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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