This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize