1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dicks are not precious.
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