i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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